Johnathan's True Story

Growing up gay for me was a strange experience not knowing what the term gay even meant. Were there others like me, was I an alien from outer space, is there something wrong with me that others can see and criticize?
My voice, my gestures, and my body language revealed the secret that I had tried to keep secret from the world, and most of all to myself.
As a very young child I knew I was different, the basic energy of masculine vs. feminine plays a big role in my early development, I knew I was soft and shy and light of force, I recognized more of me in other girls than the boys, and I had a feeling of wanting to be around masculine energy on some level, and with that I had thoughts like, does this mean im a girl, do I have to become a girl to feel this way? Every day as a youthful gay (for me) I was scared to look out of these brown eyes and pray that nobody could see into them, into the core of what I didn't understand, but knowing I was different from everybody else.
Does this show like a red flag floating above the clouds? I didn't have any answers, I didn't have any thought beside the one that told me I was wrong, and the world couldn't accept me.
I lived as free as I could knowing I was different, and then I kept growing up...And the unknown would finally reveal itself, for a true demon. I remember in first grade bringing a Barbie doll to show and tell (WOW) I remember to me it was perfectly natural I loved her, and yet the mood stood still, jumping ahead to fifth grade here I stand, a fine young man with the past as I thought long gone. A class of 20 kids, new school how is it possible that I see a classmate from first grade stand up and declare JON'S GAY HE BROUGHT A BARBIE TO SCHOOL! My winsome spirit... My loving heart could only laugh and declare yes! I did, inside hiding the deep embarrassment, but never grasping ones deep sadness that being different can conjure. At this moment no feelings could touch me, I became my truest self, I was surrounded by my friends of the opposite sex, laughing, loving, and being complete without the thought of wanting to be close to boys, have relationships, or truly love somebody like me ('cause to me, that didn't exist.)
I did have several girlfriends, 5 minute relationships with girls, broke up with one and it was on to the next as most serious relationships are in fifth grade. I believe at one point I found somebody else who was just like me, different, odd, and had deep sadness for hiding a truth the suffocated her entire being (yes it was a girl) But a girl who wanted to love, and couldn't we clung to each other as best friends and yet to the outside world and trying to fool ourselves we were lovers (the sexless kind) But I knew she couldn't care two shits about being naked with me or kissing me, thank god!
I had been through alot before I made it to this point, being punched in the face everyday by a Puerto Rican named Jesus. Being called fag, gay, girl.. sometimes even in the house I lived in. I was always asked questions like, why do you only play with girls? Or my favorite why do you talk like that? Or...Your voice sounds girly...
My fifth grade teacher (I love you Mrs. Stewart and Mrs. Olay?) I understand her now and I'm so thankful for these words...A boy said Jon you look gay, im sure random and out of the blue..My teacher stood up and said to the boy, how does someone look gay? She said pointedly, and I knew the boy shuttered and silenced  because that reaction was unexpected by both parties, I was a veteran at being made fun of at that point, and had no thought of anyone ever defending me. (THANK YOU) To clarify how much of a friend I was to the girls I'll add that the last day of school when I asked a boy if he wanted to walk home with me, my teacher was stunned, I've never heard you talk to another boy before, she declared. I left fifth grade bruised and battered mentally and emotionally inward everything was seething, I knew that I was growing up and that more torment was yet to come. I entered the 6 th grade, even more shy and quiet than ever, my voice being stated that it sounded girly, or now even more bluntly being called or asked if I was fag.
A new school, and everyone I grew up with were gone. I was the first class to enter and leave McL middle school. Inside I was scared, fearful and desperately trying to be someone I was not. To keep the secret that lay beyond my eyes I now had to hide the secret within my voice, my mouth never opened again until two and half years later. Through those years I was now known as the boy who didn't talk, everyday people would ask, why dont you talk? I would just shutter and tilt my head (I'm not making this up!) Much happier in this state, rather them knowing I was gay (which by now I knew the definition) I took on a new character, and whispers would surround my head, about my lack of speech. I became a loner, a prisoner to the darkness and my bed. No lights would shine on this empty person again. I had stopped crying, and stopped feeling sorry for myself surrendering to the gloom, and so it remained until 8th grade.
When I first layed eyes on her I knew we would be lifelong friends, out of nowhere as if a god or invisible force picked me up, I walked over to her table, made a fool of myself, got her address and after school that day when I knocked on her door, we became best friends never parting sides again, (I still call her my best friend though today we rarely speak, though when we do it‚s as if I talked to her yesterday) She to me is the one that saved my life, she made my world evolve, and it forever changed. I never shut my mouth again, oh my god the world hasn't seen this side of me, and neither have I! Happy, content, and having fun, outrageous fun with this girl! She made my 8th grade one of the happiest times of life, we still reminisce those happy times a million 10 years ago! I came out indirectly to someone, but when I told her I was gay I brought it up myself, and said I might be bi-sexual, declaring I was completely gay soon after. Nothing changed until her
and her new Christian bound stepmother started sending me pockets of worship books in the mail, BEING GAY IS A SIN, PRAY FOR FORGIVNESS.
That summer we didn't speak, and I had a new best friend, one who was hip to the gay lifestyle, and even introduced me to one of my first boyfriends. As of then I said goodbye to high school, and to me altogether. Drugs now took center stage for me, and my dark black hole of depression. Though I was out I felt I wasn't living the life meant for me, I wanted a love...I wanted happiness...
But this was my impossible dream. Man to men, they kept on coming, long enough to feed their desire, break my heart, and leave me lonely, every time I turned to drugs to mask the sadness, and rain in the laughter. I started seeing a therapist, speaking to him about my gay experiences, how I felt I was being used and controlled, that I felt unappreciated and worthless as a person...I was weird and isolated, I couldn't remember how to speak, how to behave I have shed the old and with the new I was bare and didn't know how to live anymore. Nobody warned me that being gay was this hard, that men can be such tricksters and that love was never the object of their affection.
A newbie I was called, by a man I met in a little bookstore, Barnes and noble. That night, after all the naughty stars twinkled and shot through the sky we became good friends. This man was my gay father, kept me safe and provided me advice and guidance when needed, and he even took me to one of my first gay clubs. At this moment my secret was not a whisper, my eyes were wide open..Not fearful of anyone seeing inside of them, because here the secret escaped my eyes and for the first time, I could see with such perfect clarity, that through all things sad, and hateful here there was a power of one, all the same and all encompassing love. Here is when life truly took a turn, and a step further to growing up in life as a single gay man. (Single as in one, not without a lover)